IS TODAY THE DAY?

Is today the day I finally let go of my beliefs about the past? Is today the day I stop replaying my childhood experiences and live the woman I can be in the now? Yes, is true that my earlier years were filled with emotional pain, a kind of deprivation. Is that a good reason to cling to those memories?

The event that brought all these thoughts to the surface for me in last night’s dreams was the anniversary of my Mother’s birth. Even though she has been on the other side for more than 15 years I realize I am still dealing with the old feelings. I am still blaming her!

Because I received very sparse or no affection as a child, there are thoughts that I was not loved and perhaps not lovable. There are still ideas nudging me that if I cannot please someone, some material thing, some privilege, will be taken away.

It is now obvious to me why I entered a difficult marriage when I was so young. In my hopeful escape of childhood it was highly predictable that the marriage would turn out to be yet another voyage lacking outward affection. If I needed further convincing that I was unworthy of loving affection, that union provided it.

All of this must seem extremely foolish meanderings for someone of my age and yet my problem is there, quite real, and needs to be dealt with. In fact all those fear filled ideas are giving my ego the control over my life it wants and needs for its survival.

I have many times rationalized mother’s behavior. She and I were abandoned by my father before I was two years old. Why wouldn’t she feel unloved? Why wouldn’t she turn become wary of expressing any love to others? Somehow all of the rationality I can summon does not fix the problem. It falls back on me to begin the process of forgiving her and forgiving myself.

All the mental knowledge I have does not remove the emotional pain.

So how to begin? I know that we “hand pick” the situation of our birth and our family long before our arrival here on earth. I know that the reasons of our family situations are solely for the purpose of our soul growth. We come here to learn the lessons the earth offers. I know that many times those lessons are pain filled.

At this late date it is of no great importance now for me to know if I was working out some karmic debt. What matters is what growth I allow myself. Will I set about making amends to myself with love and compassion for the past and the present?

In reality there is nothing for which to forgive my mother. Her destined part in our mutual lives was planned long ago. She played her soul’s role well. Yet I must forgive her because I have blamed her for so much.

It is my promise to myself that I will begin reaching out to my mother’s soul with understanding and love. I want to free her from any negativity that I have foolishly placed on her. My desire is for each of us to be free to access as much soul growth as we wish.

In order for me to be the complete ”grownup” I wish to be, I must heal that little child who still cries within. If any of you can resonate with my hurt and feel your personal inner child is still a little lost, consider taking some remedial action. When your personal child is happy, comfortable with life and loved, your adult actions all become easier and clearer. You can begin seeing life with a much broader perspective.

It is easy to see that actively judging and blaming myself or others does affect my life but not in any positive way. On the other hand I have found that when I love and forgive myself, I am much more allowing and accepting of the sometimes surprising or unusual actions of others! It is a double win.

Take an open-hearted look at your life yesterday and today. If you find something that needs extra love and forgiveness, do not wait. Love, love, love! Rest assured that the love you send out will multiply and come back to you. Begin now. Times a wasting!