Monday, September 13, 2010

PRACTICING UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

Isn’t it funny how a book that you haven’t thought of or read in years suddenly becomes the very one you need today, this minute? It was that way for me the other day. The book? “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff”. Richard Carlson authored that book in 1961. It is crammed full of usable ideas for today and every day. The book is a primer for de-stressing one’s life.

You see I had set aside two full hours for one of my clients. I noted in my calendar that she was due at 10 am on Saturday. She did not call, she did not e-mail and she did not show. I smiled a rather stiff forced smile and went to the computer to write this very thing.

But back to the book! Richard Carlson’s idea is that we each create completely unnecessary stress on a daily basis. We create it through insisting and expecting all our plans to work out to the letter or smallest detail. We create our stress by expecting everyone in our life to follow our ideals. We create it by asking way too much from ourselves. Not to mention that we tend to continually cry that we don’t have enough time. We worry, we fret, we anticipate. Will it? Will they? Can I? What if?

The one idea that caught my attention on that particular Saturday when his book came to mind was Dr. Carlson’s suggested method of de-stressing by what he termed “cultivating unconditional love”.

It is no secret that from time to time we all struggle with the idea that we should love unconditionally and many times fall short of the ideal. On more occasions than we probably care to admit, we even dislike ourselves and wish everyone would just go away and leave us in peace.

Regularly people or circumstances refuse to follow our personal rigidly held guidelines of right and wrong. What we wanted to happen did not. Our family and other associates acted in ways that were contrary to our expectations. It is then that we begin to nitpick and find fault with ourselves or someone else.

Sometimes we press so hard to have things and people work our way that we leave no room at all for the smallest variance. We become highly stressed. So here is Dr. Carlson’s suggestion. If we will practice unconditional love and its resultant flexibility with life’s varied situations, stress will come much less often.

It sounds straight forward and simple but at the same time it definitely does not sound easy. So where should we start this practice? It seems that babies are fairly easy to love unconditionally. Let’s start with babies. But what if they wake us in the middle of the night? They do need clean diapers. They will cry for no obvious reason. Oh, oh! Obstacles to our unconditionally loving them! Best not start our practice with babies.

O.K., then what about pets, puppies or kitties? They love us endlessly with absolutely no conditions; however, new puppies or old dogs will have accidents on our best clean carpet. We don’t appreciate them so much then. Sometimes they chew through our house slippers. Not so lovable when we view that mess.

What about those kittens, either young or old, who want to use our dining room table for a scratching post? That behavior is sure to cause some angst. Looks like it might be a bad idea to start with cats or kittens. My, my, who or what could we love without conditions?

At first Dr. Carlson’s idea for beginning this practice of unconditional love may seem rather radical but I suggest we give it a chance. His suggestion? Begin your personal unconditional loving practice with a PLANT. Yes a regular potted house plant; a vine, a cactus, an African violet.

Place your plant in a location where you pass frequently. Each time you pass it tell it how much you love and appreciate it. Whether it flowers or fails to flower, tell it how beautiful it is, how well it is growing, how deep its color is. Speak to it. Tell it how it adds to your enjoyment every day.

Even when your plant eventually withers and dies, which it will, acknowledge the joy it added to your life. Wish it well wherever its basic energy ultimately rests. Now that is unconditional love at its most elemental.

You are asking nothing of the plant. You realistically expect nothing, but you are none the less grateful for its company, its very existence in your home, your space. Whatever the plant does or doesn’t do you love it and appreciate it. And when it ultimately deserts you, it is still o.k. with your heart.

Do you see how this practice could prepare you to be more open and flexible when it comes to the other people and situations in your life? Admittedly it amounts to just a beginning step but it is a potentially powerful one. It creates a habit or roadway for accessing and giving your love without reservations.

In my mind it points the way to better acceptance of day to day outcomes. It leaves me more amenable to the fact that not everyone will take the actions, or be the perfect person I expect them to be but I can be o.k. with that.

Hopefully it allows each one of us to realize that everyone and everything eventually leaves the place we thought they should be. They abandon that position placement and behavior action that we created for them in our minds. Why would they do that? Each of them is unique as we are. We each follow our own path. Many times the path that others take is contrary to our expectations for them.

So when we have mastered unconditional love of our special plant I believe you and I will be ready to “graduate” to more evolved life forms. Perhaps you might begin work on yourself concerning your reactions to your overly noisy next door neighbor! Or my personal challenge might be a member of my own family who tends to grate my nerves. Whoever or whatever situation it is, we will all make a focused effort to maintain more “understanding” and definitely more “allowing”.

The point of all this is we do not need to continually create unnecessary stress in our lives through our own expectations of perfection. Life will not be perfect. Let it be imperfect. Instead of worrying about this and that, let your ability to love take hold of you. The sooner we agree to become more adaptable, utilize ongoing flexibility, the quicker we will find ourselves living in peaceful harmony with ourselves and each other.

You remember my client who missed her appointment Saturday at 10? She arrived at my door at 2pm that day. Fortunately my schedule was open. I said I was surprised since I had expected her earlier. She apologized for her apparent mistake. The two of us went right to work on her concerns. After she left I went back to the old e-mail where we first agreed on the time. It was 2pm. Oh, well! Then I apologized.

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